How I accidentally dumped myself...

I had been working on my relationship with myself for 25 years. It had been up and down but I had finally got on good terms with myself, I took myself on dates and holidays, looked after myself, pleasured myself. I worked hard on that relationship and I built a strong foundation of love that made me glow from inside out and others could feel this self-love and were attracted to it.

While at my peak of self love (after doing a month of yoga training and a lot of fun adventures) I fell madly in love with my twin flame. We were both 2 full, happy, complete people who connected and exploded with unconditional love! What a power it is when a connection like this is formed, when you're both loving yourselves fully, so when you are with someone you can really radiate off each other.

We fell hard, it was the most powerful and amazing thing I had experienced, to love someone so deeply, more than I had even loved myself. My perfect match! BINGO! I did it, I reached that mountain peak, the goal of self development when your work pays off and you meet the right person for you and get rewarded with someone who loves you and cares for you and sees all the magic which you are!

But once the initial love drug dose and the excitement was cooling off, I started to neglect myself without even realising, I was just so caught up in him. I lost my practice, my grounding, my self-love mantras... all that work for years that I put into that relationship and I just threw it to the side and gave that love to someone else. Eventually, instead of checking in on what I wanted, I tried to figure out what was best for us and for him, and how I could help him achieve his goals, a nice thing to do in a relationship at times but when you've neglected your own, solo pursuits and put all that focus and energy onto the other person and you as a couple, it is a recipe for a slow forming hole in your own soul.

My self love was reduced to what affection and attention he was giving me, because it didn't even occur to me that I should have been giving it to myself. Instead of showing myself love, I gave it to him, and on days when he didn't have the energy to give it to me, I felt horrible and unloved. I was easily triggered, irritable, grumpy, bitchy.... The kind of person I never wanted to be. I blamed myself for the wrong reasons- I wasn't as attractive anymore, I wasn't sexy enough, I didn't put enough effort into my looks so of course he isn't into me anymore... but it wasn't so shallow as that, and I see it now after being alone for 2 months... I stopped loving myself when I stopped putting effort into my relationship with myself.

There were a lot of other factors besides just the relationship which lead to this too, don't get me wrong! I burnt myself out freelancing, I got sick from my breast implants which gave me autoimmune problems as well as a bunch of anxiety and depression from being sick all the time and self loathing from getting them in the first place and doing it to myself, but the point is that if I had maintained my relationship with myself and gave myself the support and love I was needing first, then any extra love and support from my partner would have been a shining bonus. I wouldn't have relied on it and needed it so much, to the point that it drained him too and he had nothing left to give, he didn't have enough love for the both of us. The hole got too big to fill.

Self love isn't just for the single. Self love is a lifetime mission and your most important relationship of all time. You are your own soulmate first and foremost.

Not only are you less attractive when your self love is lacking but you can be harmful to others with your reactionary responses and lack of balance. This is not to say you're a bad person when you don't love yourself, depressions happen, confusing things happen and it is OK to not be OK. You need that sometimes. You need to see what isn't working and what aspects of yourself you dislike so you can work on them. BRING UP THE SHADOW, HUG THEM. HELP THEM HEAL.

But, my lack of self love made me into a person I hated, and I blamed him. Sure, he wasn't always perfect and a lot of triggers were not helping, but if I was in love with myself still, it wouldn't have hurt me so much. I wouldn't have sunk so low. I wouldn't have put my self worth on how much attention I get from someone else, it would have been there to protect me.

I'm glad I see this now, and that being alone for the first time in 2.5 years, I can get back to fixing that relationship.

I guess we're all poly at heart, because you should be in love with yourself and the person/s you're with. Loving only 1 person is dangerous if that person isn't yourself.

So now I have time to rekindle that passion, fire and soulmate connection with my original lover, myself.

It's time for me to remember what a goddess I am and shower myself in all that love, gratitude and pleasure I have been craving. And sure, this is an open relationship because love is infinite and loving someone else doesn't have to mean I love myself any less, so long as I maintain strong boundaries with myself so that I continue this relationship with me as my primary partner.

So I am taking vows with myself. I'm committing. I won't accidentally dump myself again, I won't cheat on me like that. I'm going to prioritise this relationship again and put in the hard work. I'll go to classes, healing, counselling, whatever I have to do to get me back on track with myself. I'm investing in this relationship because it's the one I'll always have and I am worth investing in. I am worth loving fully. I am love, after all.


Ps. I felt the need to give a special shout-out to the amazing goddess Asti Maree for helping me with this discovery. She's an amazing human I have worked with in the past who is now teaching self love and women's empowerment practices, and her instagram is full of so much profound love and beauty and practices for keeping your self love game strong. Since having my alone time I've been watching a lot of her videos and this is what really helped me realise how much I'd let my self-love go and that I was actually projecting a lot. So thank you Asti, and everyone who wants more should go follow her and see some of the epic work she is doing!